Is this all there is

I tell people I’m an animator. But, really, I hardly animate. I edit Jira tickets. I format presentations. I clean up files. I listen in meetings. I scroll on my phone.

I started my career as a performer—and when I found the whole thing too taxing, I hoped to find something stable, but memorable. A life of deep thinking, rewarding creation, lasting friendships.

But every year my life scoots further and further away from that dream. The excitement that once penetrated my office walls has hallowed out. Everything is an imitation. Work is just re-doing what’s already been. People work from home or leave early.

I’m desperate to know how folks press on; how folks keep creating and learning when the job so infrequently asks for it. I’m 37—the late nights jamming on YouTube tutorials are less appealing (grass to cut, dog to feed, husband to kiss). But what else is there? What other options do I have?

It’s just hard for me to believe that this is the work; that this is all there is to it.